Will your relationship fail?

Greatest predictors of failure in relationships

Description of four communication styles based on Gottman’s Theory

Being in a romantic partnership can bring great joy or deep loneliness. And the way we communicate with our loved one can determine the outcomes for our relationship. Using Gottman’s Theory, I’ll help demystify the greatest predictors for failure in relationships.

John Gottman is an American psychologist who extensively researched divorce and marital longevity. According to his research, he can predict if a relationship will end with 90% certainty by considering these four communication patterns. 

He calls it, The Four Horseman- it’s as biblical as it sounds. The metaphor comes from the last book of the New Testament which tells the apocalyptic tale of disease, war, famine, and death. Gottman came up with his own version to tell the tale of a relationship apocalypse. 

Criticism is the first horseman. The act of passing judgment on our partner. Criticism differs from critiquing and giving feedback. Criticism is an attack on someone’s character. Here are some examples of criticism:

“You’re thoughtless”

“You’re selfish”

“You never consider me”

While criticism alone is not the most detrimental to your relationship, it’s like a gateway behavior. When we criticize our partner over and over-we actually break down positive emotion towards our partner which can lead to the second horseman...

Contempt. Believing our partner is worthless and inferior. It’s. just. mean. Contempt can be expressed verbally or non verbally. Here are some examples of contempt:

“You feel overworked? Well I have been up since 5am trying to get everything ready for the party

-don’t tell me you’re tired.”

::eye rolling::

When we act superior to our partner-the damage is great. You’re not seeing your partner as an equal in the dynamic, and it can feel disrespectful and shameful. These are not feelings that make us want to be closer to our partner! 

“Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce…” -John Gottman

The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness arises when we feel offended or criticized. Here are some examples of defensiveness:

“I didn’t have time to do ______ because I have been working all day. I

wish you could help me out and just do it.”

“It’s not my fault that I didn’t make it on time…”

Defensiveness can come from feelings of overwhelm. Certainly we all feel stressed out at times-the difference is how you communicate that to your partner. Defensiveness means evading responsibility. When we don’t take responsibility, we exacerbate conflict. 

The fourth and final horseman is stonewalling. The stonewaller will withdraw from the interaction or discussion. The person may physically leave the room or emotionally shut down. 

This can be very frustrating for the partner who is still in the conversation who is trying to express a need or concern. By not responding to their partner the stonewaller is controlling the conversation. Overtime, without healthy communication practices, a partner may use stonewalling as the only strategy to communicate without exploding in conversations. However, if the relationship is already at that point-there were many negative communications before that were not addressed in a healthy way. 

These four communication patterns can lead to negative outcomes in your relationship. If you are in a dynamic with a partner who communicates this way...or if you use these communication styles-consider asking yourself about the overall impact. How do you feel when you bring up difficult things in your relationship? How do you feel after a conflict. And lastly, how do you want to respond?

All relationships have difficulty and no two people communicate exactly the same. But if you leave conversations feeling frustrated, angry, or unresolved most of the time, it’s important you start addressing communication in your relationship.

Trauma and the Brain

The human body has the  ability to grow, develop, and change. There are three main aspects to the human form: physical, emotional, and psychological. Within each of these aspects, adaptation occurs depending on genetics and environmental influences. When subjecting the human form to different stressors, our minds and bodies are wired toward health, wellness, and survival. For example, if someone is training for a marathon. The person will push his/her body to its limitations. Exercising and exhausting muscles in order to repair and strengthen the body. This amount of stress on the body is challenging, but over time the body adapts and is fortified because of the stress. Or think back to your first relationship-the concept of being “lovesick” is real. You can’t eat or sleep. Your whole mind is consumed. Your brain is being flooded with chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine. These hormones narrow your focus, constricting your blood vessels, dilating your pupils. The body only has so many ways of responding. So the very chemicals that aid in falling in love, are also some of the same hormones that are secreted when we endure a trauma.

So what exactly is going on when we experience trauma, and more importantly, is it possible to recover? The connection between memory and traumatic stress response is strong. This is why one of the main features of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is flashbacks to the event. Trauma can (loosely) be divided into two categories. One time big T trauma; and developmental/complex trauma. Big T trauma is something that occurs one time-like getting in a car accident or witnessing 9/11. Developmental or complex trauma is multiple or chronic adverse experiences that occur during development; usually of interpersonal nature. There are many types of developmental trauma including physical, sexual, emotional abuse; community violence and neglect.

During a time of traumatic stress the mind goes into self preservation mode. The sympathetic part of our nervous system clicks ‘on’ and activates the release of norepinephrine, or adrenaline. When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, normal bodily functions shut down in order to preserve energy to defend the perceived threat. This means digestions shuts down, our hearts begin to beat faster-we become focused on what’s in front of us, and we have motivations to fight, flight, freeze, fawn or withdraw. This is the body’s natural defense system; it is healthy and survivalistic. Without this sophisticated system, human life would probably exist.

Here’s the thing though; after the traumatic event occurs and we are out of the environment- our bodies and minds have to process through what just happened. And this is where things can get tricky. We are perceptive creatures, so our realities are a constant calculation of different factors and variables to help us ward off threat. And things we remember from our past, can have physiological bodily responses in the present time.

A memory is “something you remember from the past, a recollection.” Memory can be recalled through external stimuli, like driving past the house you grew up in, or internal stimuli, a familiar scent that takes you to a time in your past. Memories are more than just images, they are feelings and states of mind. And the brain is a highly complex electrical system that works with the other parts of the body, and the environment around you-so information is constantly being taken in a processed.

When working with clients, I like to use the library metaphor to describe how memories are stored in our brain. This is a loose representation of memory, and it is far more complex than how I’m describing; but it will help illustrate my point.  When you go into a library, each book is itemized and has its ‘place’, so in the off chance you need to retrieve that memory, you know how to find it. Like when you meet up with old friends and someone brings up high school graduation. You can easily go into your library of memories, and appropriately bring up the feelings, the images, and the thoughts associated with high school graduation. You can talk about the event, reminisce with your friends, then when you’re done with the conversation-your brain returns the memory to its rightful place in your library of memories. You will not continue to think about this event, until another trigger will tap into that memory web. Now imagine that certain memories (feelings, thoughts, states of mind)  are not chronicled, and these books (memories) are thrown around random places in your mind. So you may be going about your day, and BOOM all of a sudden you’re thinking about that one time in the 3rd grade you did not get picked for softball. A cascade of events go through your mind- you’re feeling rejected and hurt, the same way you did all those years ago. You’re having a response in the present, to a past event. These unprocessed memories are like books thrown around a library. And you may bump into them randomly-and go right back into that traumatic physiological response.

These are unprocessed memories. Ones that have not found their rightful place in the library-thus it’s very difficult for the individual to retrieve them appropriately. So inappropriate retrieval happens, and actually can retraumatize the person. So, there may be a new memory in the present moment, being triggered by the past-that is traumatically stressful again. Did that all make sense? Basically, every moment is an opportunity to heal past trauma, to stay stuck, or to be retraumatized again.

So, how do we process through terrible events in life? No two people are identical; and certainly some personalities are more resilient (this is a topic for another post). It’s also important to keep in mind that one time trauma is different than pervasive developmental trauma. There are more memories and belief systems created when we have lived with interpersonal violence, neglect, and abuse. Nonetheless, healing involves three main components: authentic affect, meaning making, and time. Authentic affect is feeling all the feelings in a supportive and loving environment. One cannot go around the feelings, one must go through the feelings and allow for the transformation to occur. The second part of healing involves meaning making. We are conscious creatures, who use stories to help understand the world around us. And we too, tell ourselves stories about our lives. The good and the bad. So, looking at the meaning of this trauma, and helping making a more complete life narrative. Lastly is time. Giving yourself the gift of time to understand and heal your mind and body. Understanding this will be an ongoing process in life, and seeing this as an opportunity rather than a nuisance.

It’s paramount to find a supportive environment to heal. Perhaps it is a yoga class, a church group, or talking with your mom on the phone everyday. The more you create supportive networks around you to facilitate processing, the faster you will heal. That being said, if you don’t know where to begin, or feel you need a more concentrated space of healing, I recommend finding a trusted therapist to talk with. There are many kinds of therapies designed to help heal trauma including, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). It is a specific type of therapy to help the brain heal itself from the suffering of its past.

PTSD is an going problem in our country and many people (veterans and others) go lifetimes without help. If you or someone you know is suffering please reach out for help. You are not alone.

I’m grateful to all the men and women who bravely gave of themselves to protect our country. I wish everyone a safe and healing Veterans Day.

Who's the right fit?

So you've made the decision to start therapy. Its a brave choice and will likely pay off in a positive way. But now what? How do you go about finding a therapist? Maybe you ask around to your friends or family. Perhaps you get a few, "Oh, my lady is GREAAT!…here's her number, I think you'll really like her." So you wait a day or so, think about it...check out her website, and decide to make the call. You set up an appointment to meet for a first session. What should you be looking for? Many people may not realize that finding a therapist is about finding the right therapist for you. In Los Angeles, we are living in a plethora of therapists, so taking the time to figure the best fit, is well within your right and will improve your chance of benefiting from treatment. 

Therapy works because of three basic concepts: 

1. The therapeutic frame

2. Therapeutic alliance

3. Empathic attunement

The frame is the boundaries/limitations set by the therapist with the patient. Think of the frame like an empty picture frame. The contents of the therapy will exist within the space where the picture would go. These parameters are there for your protection and the protection of the therapy.  This is everything from the day and time you meet, to how many times a week/month you meet, to how often the therapist allows contact during off hours, to how much each session costs and when you pay. As the patient, it's not your job, wholly, to know or understand all aspects of the frame. Your therapist will explain all of these boundaries along the way. Some may be more obvious than others…the most important thing is to ask. 

The structure of the frame begins with the first phone call/email/text. However, the structure continues to be created from session to session. The frame involves different variables like: the theoretical orientation of the therapist, personal style, needs of a particular patient, and/or particular protocol if the therapist works at a clinic or hospital vs. private practice. Any deviation from the established frame is considered a break down of the frame. And this may happen, but it's important to remember, we are all human and therefore imperfect. 

 There may be times where there is a deconstruction of the frame, or the limits are tested. During these times, it's the reconstruction of the frame that can greatly benefit the therapy. The beauty about starting therapy is, the frame is not fully formed, so we don't know exactly how it will all work, we simply wait and see how the relationship unfolds (at least if we are the patient.)

As the therapist, much thought goes into creating a frame that is specific to the patient and the orientation of the therapist. So when there is a change or something unexpected (restructuring of the frame) it's extremely important for the therapist to  talk the patient through the transition. 

This brings me to point number two, the therapeutic alliance. This is the working relationship between patient and therapist. Essentially, how you feel working with your therapist. Do you like her style, do you feel heard, understood, do you trust her? This is important. The individual style of the therapist can come into play. The things you struggle with that you discuss in therapy are not always pleasant or easy; there may be times when you feel sadness, rage, or surprise. And working with a therapist with whom you have a strong alliance, will give you the strength and understanding to overcome difficult times. 

And lastly, empathic attunement is going to be a great indicator for you to create a positive therapeutic alliance. This refers to the therapist's ability to be able to understand your emotional state and speak to it. Now, this does not mean she is a mind reader and will know what you're thinking and feeling every moment. Empathic attunement means that you and your therapist share a trusted connection where she is able to sense your underlying emotion. It can feel as powerful as magic. 

Keeping all of this in mind, it's important to be honest with yourself.  If you ever feel like the fit is off, the first step is to bring it up with your current therapist. Talk about your experience working with her. Be as open as you can about your expectations and goals for the work. Remember, no two therapists are exactly the same. If you decided that you're not fitting the way you'd like, you may switch therapists. Your current therapist may be able to provide referrals to others in the area, that will better fit your needs.  

Thoughts

I will be using this space to discuss different topics related to therapy and psychology. I hope you find the posts helpful in your understanding of the way therapy works and the benefits of therapy. Feel free to let me know if there is a topic you would like me to write about. However, please note- this space will be used for general educational purposes only. If you have a specific question regarding your therapeutic needs, please reach out to me directly.