Will your relationship fail?

Greatest predictors of failure in relationships

Description of four communication styles based on Gottman’s Theory

Being in a romantic partnership can bring great joy or deep loneliness. And the way we communicate with our loved one can determine the outcomes for our relationship. Using Gottman’s Theory, I’ll help demystify the greatest predictors for failure in relationships.

John Gottman is an American psychologist who extensively researched divorce and marital longevity. According to his research, he can predict if a relationship will end with 90% certainty by considering these four communication patterns. 

He calls it, The Four Horseman- it’s as biblical as it sounds. The metaphor comes from the last book of the New Testament which tells the apocalyptic tale of disease, war, famine, and death. Gottman came up with his own version to tell the tale of a relationship apocalypse. 

Criticism is the first horseman. The act of passing judgment on our partner. Criticism differs from critiquing and giving feedback. Criticism is an attack on someone’s character. Here are some examples of criticism:

“You’re thoughtless”

“You’re selfish”

“You never consider me”

While criticism alone is not the most detrimental to your relationship, it’s like a gateway behavior. When we criticize our partner over and over-we actually break down positive emotion towards our partner which can lead to the second horseman...

Contempt. Believing our partner is worthless and inferior. It’s. just. mean. Contempt can be expressed verbally or non verbally. Here are some examples of contempt:

“You feel overworked? Well I have been up since 5am trying to get everything ready for the party

-don’t tell me you’re tired.”

::eye rolling::

When we act superior to our partner-the damage is great. You’re not seeing your partner as an equal in the dynamic, and it can feel disrespectful and shameful. These are not feelings that make us want to be closer to our partner! 

“Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce…” -John Gottman

The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness arises when we feel offended or criticized. Here are some examples of defensiveness:

“I didn’t have time to do ______ because I have been working all day. I

wish you could help me out and just do it.”

“It’s not my fault that I didn’t make it on time…”

Defensiveness can come from feelings of overwhelm. Certainly we all feel stressed out at times-the difference is how you communicate that to your partner. Defensiveness means evading responsibility. When we don’t take responsibility, we exacerbate conflict. 

The fourth and final horseman is stonewalling. The stonewaller will withdraw from the interaction or discussion. The person may physically leave the room or emotionally shut down. 

This can be very frustrating for the partner who is still in the conversation who is trying to express a need or concern. By not responding to their partner the stonewaller is controlling the conversation. Overtime, without healthy communication practices, a partner may use stonewalling as the only strategy to communicate without exploding in conversations. However, if the relationship is already at that point-there were many negative communications before that were not addressed in a healthy way. 

These four communication patterns can lead to negative outcomes in your relationship. If you are in a dynamic with a partner who communicates this way...or if you use these communication styles-consider asking yourself about the overall impact. How do you feel when you bring up difficult things in your relationship? How do you feel after a conflict. And lastly, how do you want to respond?

All relationships have difficulty and no two people communicate exactly the same. But if you leave conversations feeling frustrated, angry, or unresolved most of the time, it’s important you start addressing communication in your relationship.

Love, what is it good for?

There is a strong relationship between love and health. Not only does love make you feel more connected to those around you, but love can actually make you live longer.

Back in the 1990’s there was a large study done on the relationship between marriage and mortality. There were some, perhaps, more obvious conclusions like; married people reported feeling more supported and financially stable. But, there was an emotional conclusion too, more married couples reported feeling less isolated. Loneliness has been linked to “all cause mortality-dying for any reason.” Marriage seems to protect against loneliness, and thus-death.

Long, stable, committed relationships seem to have a lasting, positive effect on our lives.  When we are around people we love, we feel less anxious, less depressed. Humans are social creatures. We crave bonding and attachment with others. Our brains are wired to connect. When we cuddle, have sex, engage in social interactions (just to name a few,) our brains release a chemical called oxytocin. Oxytocin is long known as the “love hormone.” It helps our brain create connections with others; and once we bond with someone, we want more because it feels good.

Love has been associated with less doctor visits. When we have strong family connections and ties to those around us, we have people who are more encouraging of healthier lifestyles. No one wants to see their loved one sick, and over time these small encouragements can add up to a healthier lifestyle.

Love helps control pain. There have been studies done where subjects have undergone electric shock. The study found that people, who were holding the hand of their partner, showed less activation in the area of the brain that processes pain and stress. Pain and stress management are a growing concern in this day and age. The closer we are to our partners, the more supported we feel. Feeling supported helps us cope with life’s stresses more efficiently.

The greatest, most obvious benefit of love is happiness. We have all heard “you can’t buy happiness” and it’s true. The correlation between love and happiness is greater than the correlation between happiness and a high income. Basically, connections and feelings of support aid in our overall wellbeing, in a way that money (or anything else) can’t.

So, if on this Valentine's Day, you're feeling like the love is lacking, here are a few tips that you can do right now to foster those loving feelings:

·      Say “I love you.”

·      Give a hug and kiss

·      Hold hands

·      Celebrate success with your loved one

·      Make eye contact and smile

·      Express gratitude

So, love-what is it good for?

Everything.

Who's the right fit?

So you've made the decision to start therapy. Its a brave choice and will likely pay off in a positive way. But now what? How do you go about finding a therapist? Maybe you ask around to your friends or family. Perhaps you get a few, "Oh, my lady is GREAAT!…here's her number, I think you'll really like her." So you wait a day or so, think about it...check out her website, and decide to make the call. You set up an appointment to meet for a first session. What should you be looking for? Many people may not realize that finding a therapist is about finding the right therapist for you. In Los Angeles, we are living in a plethora of therapists, so taking the time to figure the best fit, is well within your right and will improve your chance of benefiting from treatment. 

Therapy works because of three basic concepts: 

1. The therapeutic frame

2. Therapeutic alliance

3. Empathic attunement

The frame is the boundaries/limitations set by the therapist with the patient. Think of the frame like an empty picture frame. The contents of the therapy will exist within the space where the picture would go. These parameters are there for your protection and the protection of the therapy.  This is everything from the day and time you meet, to how many times a week/month you meet, to how often the therapist allows contact during off hours, to how much each session costs and when you pay. As the patient, it's not your job, wholly, to know or understand all aspects of the frame. Your therapist will explain all of these boundaries along the way. Some may be more obvious than others…the most important thing is to ask. 

The structure of the frame begins with the first phone call/email/text. However, the structure continues to be created from session to session. The frame involves different variables like: the theoretical orientation of the therapist, personal style, needs of a particular patient, and/or particular protocol if the therapist works at a clinic or hospital vs. private practice. Any deviation from the established frame is considered a break down of the frame. And this may happen, but it's important to remember, we are all human and therefore imperfect. 

 There may be times where there is a deconstruction of the frame, or the limits are tested. During these times, it's the reconstruction of the frame that can greatly benefit the therapy. The beauty about starting therapy is, the frame is not fully formed, so we don't know exactly how it will all work, we simply wait and see how the relationship unfolds (at least if we are the patient.)

As the therapist, much thought goes into creating a frame that is specific to the patient and the orientation of the therapist. So when there is a change or something unexpected (restructuring of the frame) it's extremely important for the therapist to  talk the patient through the transition. 

This brings me to point number two, the therapeutic alliance. This is the working relationship between patient and therapist. Essentially, how you feel working with your therapist. Do you like her style, do you feel heard, understood, do you trust her? This is important. The individual style of the therapist can come into play. The things you struggle with that you discuss in therapy are not always pleasant or easy; there may be times when you feel sadness, rage, or surprise. And working with a therapist with whom you have a strong alliance, will give you the strength and understanding to overcome difficult times. 

And lastly, empathic attunement is going to be a great indicator for you to create a positive therapeutic alliance. This refers to the therapist's ability to be able to understand your emotional state and speak to it. Now, this does not mean she is a mind reader and will know what you're thinking and feeling every moment. Empathic attunement means that you and your therapist share a trusted connection where she is able to sense your underlying emotion. It can feel as powerful as magic. 

Keeping all of this in mind, it's important to be honest with yourself.  If you ever feel like the fit is off, the first step is to bring it up with your current therapist. Talk about your experience working with her. Be as open as you can about your expectations and goals for the work. Remember, no two therapists are exactly the same. If you decided that you're not fitting the way you'd like, you may switch therapists. Your current therapist may be able to provide referrals to others in the area, that will better fit your needs.  

Thoughts

I will be using this space to discuss different topics related to therapy and psychology. I hope you find the posts helpful in your understanding of the way therapy works and the benefits of therapy. Feel free to let me know if there is a topic you would like me to write about. However, please note- this space will be used for general educational purposes only. If you have a specific question regarding your therapeutic needs, please reach out to me directly.